A situation of individual or environmental crisis that is frequently observed in psychiatry is one involving relationships experienced obsessively or accompanied by threatening or controlling behavior. Jealousy is the feeling of exclusivity toward another person, involving dislike, suspicion, or hostility directed toward third parties perceived as potential or actual competitors. Jealousy has two components, both of which can be found in pathological syndromes: a defensive (competitive) component and an offensive (controlling) component. A jealous person may intervene or maintain control over potential “competitors” (people, but also situations or environments) that appear to threaten the relationship, based on the idea that these elements might separate them from the person they regard as “theirs.” Alternatively, there is offensive jealousy, in which the person acts in the absence of any real or current competitor. This distinction is not clear-cut, because jealousy itself leads a person to interpret as actual or potential threats elements that others would not see in that way. If anything, the distinction should be made by looking at the behavior of the loved one: whether the jealousy originates from actual infidelity, promiscuity, ambiguous behavior, or a libertine attitude on the part of the partner, or whether jealousy is an automatic way of securing the relationship despite unquestionable fidelity and the absence of concrete threats. Even in the latter case, however, the perception and interpretation of the other person’s behavior as “unclear” or unfaithful is itself influenced by jealousy, so this distinction is not really possible either. The true distinction to be made concerns the jealous partner’s way of thinking and behaving.
It is important to understand how the jealous thought originated and what form it has taken. This is also important when considering how to help the jealous person or the couple resolve the situation. It is not so much a matter of determining whether there are hypothetical or actual reasons for jealousy (also because a physician could not establish this and is not an investigator), but rather of understanding how the jealous person’s brain is functioning. The instinct of jealousy may be triggered by reasoning that follows either a logical or an illogical path. For example, if one’s partner greets someone in the street, the mind may automatically perform a “jealousy test,” which, in the absence of any other evidence, quickly fades away. In other words, the brain rapidly considers the possibility of infidelity, judges it insignificant, and sets it aside. But it may instead cause the thought to become fixed and continue turning over in the mind. The thought then becomes an excess of logic: something that is not inherently absurd nevertheless becomes disproportionately important, without justification, and turns into something that must be clarified and into a source of growing doubt. From there arise checking behaviors, monitoring, and demands for explanations, which worsen the situation because they introduce new elements that can, in theory, become further sources of logical doubt.
The starting point of “obsessive” jealousy is the need to have certainty that there has been no infidelity. This is an absurd premise, because relationships are normally based not on certainty of fidelity, but on the probability of fidelity. Probability is not certainty; it is simply knowledge with a margin of uncertainty, error, and potential change in the future. Nevertheless, the brain considers it an acceptable basis for deciding to trust another person. The obsessive jealous person may remain silent for a long time and then suddenly explode, perhaps openly declaring that they are overwhelmed by a tormenting doubt, or alternatively hoping that, without revealing the reason for their bad mood, something will happen that will eliminate the doubt. Obsessive individuals often do not explicitly state their fears because they believe that doing so would invalidate the value of any response from their partner. They wait for a negative confirmation, terrified that they might instead find a positive one. These individuals are not really “jealous by nature”; in a sense, they are “forced into jealousy” by uncontrollable doubts. Despite this, and despite being aware of the obsessive nature of their jealous thoughts, the person is divided between the desire to free themselves from jealousy and the need to obtain answers to their fears.
The second form of jealousy is hypersensitive jealousy. In this case, the idea of jealousy arises on its own, generally on the basis of a pervasive suspicion toward everything and everyone. In the paranoid person’s mind, it is precisely the person who has declared love and fidelity that represents the most dangerous threat, because someone who has become emotionally involved may be hurt by possible betrayal. The attitude of the hypersensitive jealous person alternates between “pleas” for demonstrations of fidelity or proof of love and demands for explanations or provocations intended to test the validity of the suspicion, not so much on the basis of objective evidence as on the basis of the other person’s reaction—namely, whether the person being provoked shows that they “understand” their partner’s jealousy.
Because hypersensitive jealousy revolves around the person’s emotional state, it may appear and disappear suddenly, but it can deteriorate in the presence of genuine situations involving betrayal or competition. The problem with hypersensitive or mood-based jealousy is that if the person does not feel sufficiently accommodated or reassured in terms of gratification and self-esteem, they persist in provoking their partner and treating them “as if” there were grounds for doing so. In this spiral, initially irrelevant events can gradually assume increasing proportions. The mood-based jealous person does not feel sufficiently reciprocated, gratified, or recognized in their role as the dominant member of the couple because they believe they are not receiving enough attention, dedication, or love, and they equate this with a betrayal without an object—a kind of ideal betrayal. Mood-based jealous individuals are not necessarily jealous of other people; jealousy may also take the form of possessiveness, in which they are jealous of the attention their partner does not devote to them, naturally from their own point of view.
The third form of jealousy is paranoid jealousy, in which the person experiences a delusional reality of jealousy: they are convinced that a betrayal exists, often involving multiple people or, paradoxically, without knowing “with whom,” or simply “with everyone,” regardless of evidence. The thought does not arise from logic exaggerated by obsession, nor from an extreme need for attention and gratification translated into an exacerbated sense of possession and frustration. Instead, it is an attitude in which the person feels provoked, objectively ridiculed, or offended by the partner’s unfaithful behavior. In some cases, the supposed partner does not even exist, as in erotomanic delusions, in which the person is convinced that someone else is in love with them and therefore becomes jealous as though the relationship actually existed.
The paranoid person may engage in paradoxical behaviors, such as openly making accusations while simultaneously setting traps or monitoring the other person, with the aim of proving to the world that the betrayal really exists. In fact, jealousy—which should disappear once the person is convinced that the betrayal has been established, committed, and often repeated—continues, now taking on the meaning of grievance and revenge. This form is frequently seen in dementia and in the use of alcohol or other substances.
Identifying these different mechanisms provides a guide for deciding what type of treatment to use. Contributing or triggering factors should also be taken into account when predicting future disorders of the same kind, perhaps not involving jealousy but other themes. Furthermore, if the partner has been drawn into the problem, it is useful for them to understand the type of logic—or lack of logic—underlying the jealous person’s thinking, so that they can manage the situation while awaiting an effective therapeutic solution.