The term “emotional dependence” does not correspond to a diagnosis or to a “new” illness. It is a term used to describe a type of situation in which bonds with other people are created or maintained (and cannot be dissolved), based on some form of emotional dynamic that is not necessarily still current or even reciprocated. By affectivity, we mean the emotional sphere, and therefore not only feelings of love, but also feelings of abandonment, frustration, failure, regret, and guilt.
A single relationship may be involved, one that the person is unable to resolve, or, more generally, a recurring way of entering into and forming relationships, in which all relationships present the same problem, repeatedly.
A passive pattern can also be distinguished, in which the person experiences feelings they would like to be free of, and an active pattern, in which the person is convinced that others should respond to the feelings they experience rigidly, urgently, and systematically, in whatever way is gratifying or reassuring at that particular moment.
In both cases the person suffers, but their position in relation to the problem changes (“I have to make myself loved” versus “the other person must love me”), as does the predominant reaction (mainly distress versus anger). Furthermore, when the role is passive, the partner may induce emotional dependence through their behavior, or at least take advantage of it. When the role is active, the person themselves induces it, either with a complementary partner or through a continual succession of partners.
As mentioned above, this may constitute a form of dependence according to the general model of addictions, namely a situation in which the person repeatedly returns to the same problematic situation despite intending to detach themselves, because an overpowering drive toward a particular person—or toward different people—is experienced as a source of resolution of their problems and affirmation of themselves, beyond the degree of understanding, well-being, and pleasure actually produced by the relationship.
In other cases, however, this is not what is happening. Instead, it may be a pattern in which the person “slips” easily into emotional dependence because of a characteristic of their psychological makeup, thereby expressing an innate tendency rather than an acquired distortion. The two mechanisms can nevertheless coexist: someone who is predisposed to forming pathological attachments may tend to develop a chronic and systematic tendency to do so, from the very beginning and in ways that become progressively less compatible with any genuine relationship.
A person suffering from emotional dependence is focused on an immediate need and loses sight of the overall meaning of the relationship. In other words, they are willing to sacrifice something of themselves (materially or morally) in order to obtain what they want from the other person, immediately or often and repeatedly. In some cases, they develop manipulative strategies or indirect forms of emotional blackmail to elicit guilt, compassion, or anything else that might induce the other person to comply with their needs or demands.
It is not uncommon for people with this problem to find or select individuals who initially appear to be the solution to the problem: people who begin relationships with great emotional intensity, grand verbal declarations, gestures arranged in ways that symbolize profound devotion, and promises. At a later stage, these appearances dissolve and give way to a different reality, without the person being able to recognize it immediately, accept that they have been deceived or have deceived themselves, or stop escalating their emotional investment in the relationship, ultimately causing themselves various kinds of harm.
Another risk is represented by virtual relationships and involvement in “cult-like” settings or closed groups that initially draw members in by making them feel special, appreciated, and wanted.
Treatment of these situations begins by using the underlying diagnostic categories, so that treatment can be matched to the general model that sustains the mechanism of dependence.