Among psychiatric terms, some have entered relatively common usage and are used to criticize or challenge other people’s behavior. An old example is “hysterical,” traditionally applied to women and derived from the concept of “hysteria” (physical manifestations produced in a demonstrative manner in an attempt to influence the attitudes of others toward oneself). The corresponding term applied to men is “narcissistic,” which originally refers to a mind centered on the need for self-gratification, in which relationships with others are regarded as a means rather than as one of the domains through which the self is fulfilled. In other words, the narcissist uses other people rather than seeking fulfillment together with them.
Narcissism falls within a range of personality profiles in which the individual seeks an individual role and aims primarily at self-satisfaction, experiencing relationships with the outside world either as a means or as a problem, depending on whether they facilitate or obstruct personal fulfillment. If this tendency becomes dominant, the individual will ultimately fail to establish satisfying relationships—at least not for the people with whom they interact—but rather relationships that are or have been “useful” to them, alongside others who have disappointed or frustrated them because they did not help them pursue their own goals.
In the language of conflicts between partners, the term “narcissist” has subsequently become a kind of label used to denigrate a widespread male attitude, namely a “physiological” form of narcissism that is considered relatively typical and characteristic of the male mind. This mindset is often focused on achieving goals and carrying others along in the process, rather than on finding gratification in the relationship itself and achieving fulfillment through that relationship. The latter pattern, by contrast, is more typically associated with a female orientation. When men and women argue, they often exchange accusations of narcissism and hysteria, simply venting their frustration about aspects of being a man or a woman that they find difficult to accept: the woman demands and reproaches, while the man neglects and remains focused on himself.
Can narcissism constitute a disorder? There are cases in which individuals complain about the persistently conflictual nature of their relationships, the loneliness in which they find themselves despite being capable of establishing new relationships, and the frustration arising from failure to achieve the (often high) goals they set for themselves. A narcissistic individual may become aware that this way of functioning has limitations, yet be unable to give it up—that is, unable to renounce the need to see themselves as “great,” as though doing so would represent a defeat, a withdrawal, or an abandonment of the field.
In reality, this perceived need to win and excel in competition is often unnecessary and becomes a source of the inevitable frustration associated with failures or even trivial disappointments and delays. When the narcissist is not indulged or is rejected, they may develop aggression or depression, being unable to accept temporary situations in which they may lose a battle, have to relinquish recognition, or simply fail to elicit from others the interest and enthusiasm they had hoped for, particularly in romantic relationships.
There are also variants referred to as “malignant narcissism,” characterized by a higher degree of potential danger to others. Most romantic stalkers and serial liars—that is, individuals who find it easy and gratifying to lie in order to achieve their objectives and who adapt to eventual exposure for as long as possible by changing their lives, locations, social circles, and even identities—may be considered examples of “malignant” narcissism.
The narcissistic stalker exemplifies how a natural tendency of the male mind—namely, a limited ability to “digest” an ending or a rejection—can be translated into reinforcement of the behavior. Rather than accepting defeat, at least on a practical level, the extreme narcissist “raises the stakes” through persistence, threats, defamation, and every other means that allows them to remain in the game and, theoretically, to “win,” even when the object of that victory—the relationship itself—is no longer of genuine emotional interest to them.
A relational short circuit may occur when one partner attempts to correct what they perceive as the other person’s narcissism by showing them how much they are suffering as a result. Such a response may gratify a narcissistic ego that derives satisfaction from recognizing the power it has over another person. This should not be confused with genuine concern for the other person’s well-being, but rather understood as a form of sadomasochistic relationship that can sustain a couple for a long time and, indeed, intensify the relationship’s violent or hostile character.
Narcissism tends to be reinforced by demonstrations of pain; consequently, such demonstrations do not necessarily discourage the narcissist’s self-centered behavior but may instead stimulate it, increasing its degree of cruelty. Many “malignant” narcissists who have failed professionally, within the family, and socially, for example, tend to seek gratification in relationships that they experience as an opportunity to manipulate another person. They structure these relationships in such a way as to establish a strong bond with the other person, isolate them, and then use them as evidence of their own power and importance. High-profile criminal cases frequently provide examples of this type of relational dynamic.
Physiological narcissism, nevertheless, is often a source of “chronic” misunderstandings within intimate relationships, as well as of an unsatisfying life for the narcissistic individual themselves. Such individuals may suffer from a sense of superiority that nobody actually demands of them, whereas they might be happier—and ultimately achieve greater success—if they abandoned a narcissistic “war” mentality toward the world.